Christian Singleness

It is clear that the concept of marriage in American culture is confused and broken from a Christian perspective. The acceptance of homosexual marriage, the high frequency of births out of wedlock, and the high divorce rate all speak to that brokenness, but those are merely the symptoms that show the underlying disease of having no concept of what marriage is. As Pope John Paul II pointed out in his theology of the body, marriage carries the image of God to reflect the communion of the Trinity in the communion of male/female together, and to reflect God's creativity in our procreation. The male and female bodies themselves bear witness to this purpose and the body itself has a 'spousal' meaning in its very design. As the pope put it, 'the definitive creation of man consists in the creation of the unity of two beings' as male and female. As a result, according to Genesis 1-3 and re-iterated by Jesus in Matthew 5 and 19, marriage can only be between male and female and 'man' (Hebrew 'adam) is in some sense incomplete when either male or female is alone. Timothy Keller and his wife Kathy raise this point as well in their book The Meaning of Marriage in which they ask how can long term singleness be a good condition if males and females are in some ways incomplete alone?

In their book, the Kellers point out some ways in which our current culture of singleness is broken. Many have lived through their parents' divorce and so have a certain fear of a failed marriage for themselves; many see marriage as primarily a way to gain personal gratification (sexual or emotional) instead of lifelong love, care, and devotion and they see other ways to that gratification outside of marriage now; many have an overly idealized concept of finding the perfect 'soul mate' and will never 'settle' for anyone who doesn't live up to their impossible, imagined ideal; others are insistent that they should never have to change (or grow) and must be 'accepted as they are' and can't bear the thought of having to accomodate some else's disagreements with their habits.  All of these are based on the idea that marriage exists to make them happy rather than to live out God's image and be shaped into closer conformity to that image (sanctification). It seems to me that any single person who remains single for any of these reasons is in fact incomplete and is failing to live out God's image.

The Kellers also point out that, perhaps for the first time, our culture no longer has a culturally supported pathway for singles to meet and marry.  We have no arranged marriages; we have no formal courtship culture; the 'dating' culture of my youth (which had many problems of its own) has died away. There basically is no established cultural pathway to support the finding of a marriage partner now.

Is it possible for choosing singleness to be in conformance with God's image and Word? Yes, but only under certain circumstances. The pope points out in his theology of the body that Jesus speaks to this in Matthew 19 in saying that 'there are eunuchs by nature, eunuchs by the will of man, and eunuchs for the kingdom of God'. That is, some are single for the purpose of total devotion to God's work, as Jesus himself was. Paul says some similar things in I Corinthians. But this is legitimate only under certain circumstances and for a small minority, says the pope, which include that it is voluntary, fully and joyfully embraced, is done as a gift of self to God just as in marriage both give themselves as a gift, is for the kingdom (not for personal autonomy), and bears spiritual fruit from the single vocation (rather than children).  Most singles today, including Christian singles, would not meet these criteria. In particular, a great many would prefer to be married but find themselves in a single culture that seems to have no cultural pathway to marriage and lots of fears and overly-idealized criteria for marriage. They are not 'eunuchs for the kingdom'; they are just stuck. These have not chosen singleness but are just stuck with it. For those who are stuck, certainly they can still be God's servants and continue to seek Him. Their unchosen singleness is not dishonorable or a prevention of obeying God. They will need to break out of cultural norms to find suitable ways to get to know potential spouses since our culture has abandoned making it a priority to have established pathways toward marriage. But the fact that they desire marriage is evidence that it really is something of an incompleteness.

So, it seems to me that our culture is broken in regard to both marriage and singleness. Many single Christians who are avoiding marriage as a result of fears, unrealistic idealism, or idolatrous individualism seem to me to be out of God's will. Marriage will always be an act that requires faith; now it also requires more initiative and creativity than in the past since our culture is not very supportive.