Faith and Grace in Marriage

The Bible very often and very intentionally compares our relationship to God with marriage. Unfaithfulness to God is called 'adultery' in both the Old and New Testaments; the church in the New Testament is called the 'bride of Christ'; Revelation speaks of Christ's return as the beginning of the 'wedding feast'; and so on. In Corinthians we are told that marriage within the faith is the only permissible type of marriage since to marry someone who does not share the faith is to join Christ with Belial, uniting the concepts of marriage and our relationshi with God, not just comparing them.

With that in mind, Phillip Yancey in Finding God in Unexpected Places includes a few essays on what he calls 'the scandal of grace'. One of those scandalous parts of the faith is that grace is accepted 'in advance': that is, Christ ann0unces that our sins are forgiven once for all, and then provides the indwelling Spirit as a 'seal' to show it is permanent, before it is seen whether we will remain faithful. This is very much like announcing that marriage is 'until death do us part' in advance of seeing whether your partner remains faithful. So much of our culture is premised on performance: work, school, athletics all hinge on being accepted conditional on our performance. The 'scandal' of grace is that acceptance is offered in advance of performance, on the premise that if our heart is changed our actions will also change. Many religions remain performance based. So do many families.

For many this is a stumbling block for both marriage and Christianity. In his essay, Yancey points out that 'if a bridegroom on his wedding night sat down to negotiate terms of infidelity (saying) 'Ok, you have guaranteed the future, so just how far can I go with other women?" we would be shocked, and we would also know that this man does not understand what love involves. We know that in this marriage his approach of 'what can I get away with' will prevent him from knowing what love is really about and will prevent him from making the necessary commitment that allows marital love in the first place. We will question his heart. We accept the reasons for an up-front commitment in marriage but do not see how our relationship with God would be the same way: committing permanently at the front end while requiring ongoing grace and forgiveness in order to last.

Marriage in American culture, and western culture generally, is on shaky ground. I think that is in large part due to our approach to it with a consumer mentality, of getting what we want, rather than approaching it as a matter of faith and grace. Clearly the up-front commitment is an exercise of faith, not knowing what trials lie ahead but committing to do what it takes to remain faithful, just as Christ commits to keep and sanctify His Church. The ongoing grace to keep it alive seems to in short supply, however. We are hesitant to extend grace in everyday ways, to meet our spouses daily needs for respect or acceptance or affection, let alone in bigger things.

The idea of what we call 'the security of the believer' is indeed scandalous as Yancey says, but no more scandalous than the idea of marriage. Both ideas are losing traction in western culture, and that explains a lot of our problems.